Being Muffy Crosswire
by Dead Composer
Summary: Brain wakes up one morning to find that he is no longer himself...
1. Chapter 1

This fic is rated PG due to some oh-so-slightly mature humor.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters in these stories, nor do they own me, although Muffy has made some tempting offers...  
  
Tommy: "I can write more Arthur fics than you can." Timmy: "No, you can't."  
  
--------  
  
Chapter 1  
  
It seemed to Brain that he had drifted off immediately upon lying down, and had been asleep for only a few minutes. On the other hand, it was difficult to distinguish the passing of time while asleep, even for someone of his genius.  
  
He groggily forced his eyes open, and suddenly felt as if something was... different.  
  
The rays of the morning sun that usually slipped through the blinds and met his gaze were not there. It was darker than usual, but not completely dark.  
  
"Must be a cloud cover," thought Brain. "Well, it's time to get up and seize the day."  
  
He pushed down with his hands, hoping to force himself into a sitting position...but the surface of the bed sank under his hands. This had never happened before. Even more curiously, his movements had caused the mattress to start waving back and forth, as if he were on a boat, or...  
  
"A water bed!" The thought took only a split second to dawn upon him.  
  
Brain sat up and began to think. As far as he could remember, he hadn't made arrangements to sleep over at the house of any friend or relative who had a water bed. Water beds always made him nervous anyway, so why would he willingly sleep in one? Obviously this was not his bed...  
  
...or his room. He cast his eyes around to behold a bedroom of almost palacial proportions. The furniture was Victorian in style, and consisted of several chairs, a couch, a dresser, and a full-length mirror. The bed itself was large enough to accommodate three children Brain's size, and the bedposts were draped with...pink?  
  
A glass chrome end table stood next to the bed; on it rested a lamp and some assorted items, including a cell phone and a hair brush with several long strands of red hair hanging out of it.  
  
Brain became worried. Somehow, during the middle of the night, he had been spirited away to a strange house and a strange room that clearly belonged to a girl.  
  
"Where am I?" he asked aloud.  
  
To his surprise and shock, the voice that emerged from his throat was not his own.  
  
It was Muffy's...  
  
(To be continued!) 


	2. Chapter 2

Startled at hearing Muffy's voice coming out of his mouth, Brain quickly looked down. He was wearing not the blue pajamas he had put on the night before, but a white nightgown. He reached up to touch his head, and felt waves of long, straggly hair.  
  
Panic started to well up in his stomach, but he pushed it down. "It's...a... dream," he mumbled quietly, again hearing Muffy's voice where his own should have been.  
  
Climbing out of the water bed, Brain walked over to what appeared to be a light switch, and flipped it, bathing the room in light. Then he hurried to the full-length mirror, and his worst fears were confirmed. The face and unkempt hair of Muffy Crosswire were staring back at him with an expression of abject horror.  
  
"Aaaargh! I'm a girl!" cried Brain, amazed at the high-pitched shriek that Muffy's voice was capable of.  
  
Terrifying thoughts rushed through Brain's mind as he stared into the mirror at his altered form. "I'll have to wear girl clothes! And I'll have to get a girl job! I can't be a scientist!"  
  
Muffy's heart pounded (for it was indeed Muffy's heart pounding, not Brain's) as she (no longer he) ran her fingers through her unwashed hair.  
  
Then, unexpectedly, she started to giggle. It was an unusual sensation... almost pleasant.  
  
"Right," said Muffy between giggles. "I've turned into Muffy. Very funny. Come on, Alan, you know this isn't possible. It's gotta be a dream, or a hallucination."  
  
Brain's mind, in Muffy's head, wandered back to the previous evening, when he, Muffy, Arthur, Francine, and Buster had congregated at Sue Ellen's house for a pizza party.  
  
"No, it wasn't that," thought Brain. "I only had two slices."  
  
It was something else...  
  
Brain was holding something in his hand...a small, carved stone figure with a painted, frowning face.  
  
"Hey, Sue Ellen, what's this?" he asked.  
  
"Oh, that," replied Sue Ellen as she opened a pizza box. "I picked that up on my last trip to Africa. Supposed to be cursed."  
  
"Well, obviously you don't believe in curses," said Muffy as she prepared to take the stone figure from Brain's hand.  
  
"So, what's the curse?" asked Brain as he started handing the figure to Muffy.  
  
"Um..." Sue Ellen began, "I think the old woman said...that if two people touch it at the same time, they exchange bodies, or something like that."  
  
She completed her sentence as Brain was passing the figure into Muffy's hand. Brain and Muffy exchanged sly glances.  
  
"E = mc squared," said Muffy in a low, pompous voice.  
  
"Vomitrocious!" said Brain in a high falsetto. He and Muffy started to laugh.  
  
Suddenly Muffy, with Brain's mind inside of her, stopped giggling. Perhaps this was not so funny after all...  
  
"What am I thinking?" said Muffy, shaking her head. "Curses are elements of the supernatural. They have no real power."  
  
Yet the fact remained, as Brain verified by glancing in the mirror again, that he was now in somebody else's body...  
  
A logical circuit suddenly completed itself in Brain's mind, and Muffy rushed to the end table to pick up her cell phone. She quickly dialed a number, and waited for the party to answer.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Uh...Hi, Mom...er, I mean, Mrs. Powers. I need to talk to...uh, Brain. Yeah, Brain. It's really important." Muffy had to force herself to speak, as Brain felt uncomfortable about having her voice.  
  
"Hold on, I'll get him," said Mrs. Powers on the other end.  
  
Brain waited impatiently, and started to notice that even Muffy's breathing seemed different from his own.  
  
Then, to his alarm, he heard his own voice transmitted through the cell phone.  
  
"Hey, Muffy."  
  
Muffy struggled to compose herself. It occurred to her that she could hear the voice on the phone more clearly than usual, probably since her ears were lower on her head than Brain's.  
  
"Uh...hi, Brain," she said nervously. "How are you doing today?"  
  
Brain's voice on the other end sounded bored and sleepy. "Oh, I'm fine."  
  
Muffy/Brain started to sweat. The voice she heard didn't sound at all like Muffy was talking through Brain's mouth.  
  
"I've got a question for you," she said. "What's sixty-eight times forty-one?"  
  
"2788," answered Brain's voice effortlessly.  
  
"He's right," thought Muffy/Brain, starting to panic.  
  
"Anything else?" asked Brain's voice helpfully.  
  
"No," said Muffy weakly. "I'll see you at school."  
  
Muffy/Brain pushed the off button on the cell phone. "That was really weird, talking to myself," she thought. "So it wasn't Sue Ellen's statue. I'm still in my own body, and I'm in Muffy's body, too. How is that possible?"  
  
She went back to the mirror and looked glumly at her reflection. "I don't know how to be Muffy. I don't know how to put on girl clothes, or do anything with my hair. But I can't go to school looking like this."  
  
There was a knock on the door of the bedroom. "Come in," said Muffy without thinking.  
  
The door swung open, and Mrs. Crosswire poked in her head, which was covered in a hairnet. "You should be getting ready for school, Muffin," she said happily.  
  
"Uh...okay, Mrs. Cross...er, Mom." Muffy/Brain saw no point in telling her the truth; she wouldn't believe it. Besides, she thought, perhaps she could get to the bottom of the matter more easily if she played along.  
  
(Chapter 3 coming soon) 


	3. Chapter 3

Water poured from the brass faucet, filling the smooth marble tub. Muffy/Brain glanced at the digital temperature control again, hoping she didn't need to change the setting in order to avoid a scalding.

Her eyes scanned the multitude of bottles lining the side of the tub. Three different kinds of shampoo, three bottles filled with something called conditioner, various moisturizers, lotions, and salts...

"Where do I start?" she wondered. Brain only needed a dab of shampoo to wash his short hair, but maybe girl hair had more complicated requirements.

Discouragement filled Brain's mind and Muffy's heart. "I should just go back to bed, pretend I'm sick, and sleep until this ends. But what if it doesn't end? What if I'm stuck like this?"

Muffy/Brain fumbled with her nightgown, looking for buttons, a zipper, or some other way to remove it. "Besides," she thought, "I've got a feeling the answer is at school. At least I hope so. I don't think it's here in Muffy's..."

Her train of thought was interrupted by a dreadful realization.

Brain had no sisters. He had never seen a girl with no clothes before...

----

In the lavishly furnished Crosswire dining room, Ed Crosswire sat at the pine table, reading the newspaper. The date on the front page was May 12, and the headline read, "Unrest Continues in Karjakistan".

"Listen to this one," he said as he perused the opinion section. "Someone must stand up to the evil empire of Crossliar Motors."

"Hmm, that's clever," said his wife, Millicent, as she sat at the other end of the table, holding a pencil and working out a crossword puzzle.

Claude, their uniformed manservant, stood next to the range, sprinking brown sugar over three bowls of oatmeal.

"Here's another one," Mr. Crosswire continued. "You're better off mulching your garden with the money you would spend on a Crosswire car."

"What's a five-letter word for avarice?" Mrs. Crosswire asked him.

"Darned if I know," he answered. "And darned if I know why these people keep coming back if they hate my cars so much. I'm not the only car dealer in Elwood City."

At this moment Muffy walked into the dining room, applying a brush to her moist hair with weak, ineffectual strokes. Mrs. Crosswire noticed that the back of her dress was open, and reached over to fasten the buttons. "We were starting to think you'd drowned," she quipped.

"So," inquired Mr. Crosswire, "how was your bath?"

"Educational," Muffy replied.

"Where are your stockings?" asked Mrs. Crosswire.

"I knew I forgot something," said Muffy emotionlessly.

"I will get ze stockings," said Claude as he walked quickly out of the dining room.

As Muffy pulled a chair away from the table and sat down, Mrs. Crosswire took a bowl of oatmeal from the counter and placed it in front of her. "Here's your oatmeal, Muffin."

"Good," said Muffy lackadaisically as she picked up a spoon. "No better way to start the day than with a little fiber in your diet."

Mr. Crosswire lowered his newspaper and looked at Muffy with surprise. "Who are you and what have you done with Muffy?" he asked.

Muffy dropped her spoon, startled.

Mr. Crosswire smiled. "You usually don't like oatmeal."

"Oh, yeah," said Muffy as she tried to form a convincing grimace. "Eww! Vomitrocious!" she added without conviction.

"That's more like it," said Mrs. Crosswire, who then watched with a bit of surprise as Muffy quickly shoveled spoonful after spoonful into her mouth.

Claude returned to the dining room with Muffy's stockings. Muffy laid down her spoon while Mrs. Crosswire removed her shoes and started to fit the stockings onto her legs. Brain, still trapped in Muffy's head, found this unfamiliar method of dressing rather uncomfortable.

While Claude started to clean the counter tops, Mrs. Crosswire placed Muffy's shoes on her feet again. "Now let me do something about that hair of yours," she said as she started to braid Muffy's hair.

"Hmph," grunted Muffy as she started to wolf down what was left of her oatmeal.

"So what's the agenda for school today?" asked Mr. Crosswire as he folded the newspaper and set it down.

"Science test," Muffy answered with a mouth full of oatmeal. "But I shouldn't have any trouble."

"I'm glad to hear that," said Mrs. Crosswire as she took a bowl of oatmeal from the counter. "You usually do poorly on science tests."

"Uh, well," said Muffy nervously, "I shouldn't have any trouble because...er, Brain and I studied together yesterday."

"That's good," said Mr. Crosswire as he rose from the table. "Alan's a smart boy. He has a bright future."

Mr. Crosswire checked his watch and hurried out of the room. Muffy put down her spoon, and for a moment appeared deep in thought.

"Er, Mom, how many women scientists are there?"

Mrs. Crosswire gazed at her for a second, as if surprised at the question.

"Oh, there are many," she answered.

"Do they get to do the same things that the men scientists do?"

"Yes," said Mrs. Crosswire, "most of the time, I think. Why do you ask?"

Mr. Crosswire entered the dining room again, clutching his briefcase. He grabbed a bowl of oatmeal and a spoon, and quickly downed a few bites.

"Well," said Muffy, "if I'm like this for the rest of...I mean, er, science is just one thing I've been considering, but I don't know if I'm good enough at it."

"Don't give up on the fashion model thing, Muffin," said Mr. Crosswire as he put down the bowl of oatmeal, kissed his wife, and rushed out of the mansion.

Muffy rose from the table, and Claude handed her a tote bag and a lunch box. "Time for school, madamoiselle."

As Mrs. Crosswire accompanied Muffy to the front of the mansion where the limousine waited, Brain's mind was racing. "I can't do this. I can't live somebody else's life. Why is this happening to me?"

Carrying her bag and lunch box, Muffy walked slowly and determinedly...right past the limo.

Bailey, the chauffeur, lowered the window and called her. "Miss Muffy!"

Muffy walked a few more steps before realizing that Bailey was calling to her. Turning around, she walked back toward the limo, opened the door, and climbed inside.

"So this is how...we Crosswires travel," she muttered as she fastened her seat belt.

Bailey didn't respond, but pulled the limo out of the driveway, and was soon driving down the street in the direction of Lakewood Elementary.

Muffy/Brain looked down with disgust at the uncomely attire she had been forced to wear. Inside her head, Brain's mind spun in circles, searching for an explanation of, and possible escape from, his predicament.

"It's got to be a dream. But if it isn't a dream, what is it? Maybe it's a rupture in the space-time continuum. Maybe the other kids were affected too. But what if I'm the only one? And how will the others react if they find out I'm really The Brain, doomed to walk the earth as a female?"

As Muffy/Brain pondered what her classmates might do if they learned the truth, she involuntarily started to giggle.


	4. Chapter 4

The limo pulled in front of the curb at the elementary school, but Muffy/Brain was no closer to finding an answer to the perplexing question of why he was now a she. 

"Maybe if I can discover the physical principle behind it," she thought as she opened the door of the limo, "I'll win a Nobel Prize."

Carrying her lunch box and tote bag, she walked slowly toward the steps leading to the school entrance, a stoic expression on her face. "Must stay calm. Must try to act normal. Normal? I don't know what normal is anymore."

The first sight to greet her eyes as she entered the school was Francine and Fern, who were standing and giggling in an animated manner. Fern was holding a sheet of paper.

"Giggle, giggle," thought Muffy/Brain. "I guess it's something girls can't help."

As Muffy walked by the pair, Francine hailed her. "Hey, Muffy!"

Muffy turned, tried to force a smile, and walked over to join the two girls. "What are you two giggling about?" she asked in a feeble attempt at small talk.

"I wrote a poem about The Brain," said Fern, smiling. "Would you like to hear it?"

"Uh...sure," said Muffy, although she wasn't entirely sure that she did.

Fern read from the paper she was holding.

"Brain's the smartest boy in the class, And he has a really cute..."

"Fern!" Muffy shouted disapprovingly.

"What?" said Fern, looking surprised.

Muffy struggled for words for a moment. "I...I don't think you should write poems making fun of other kids," she finally said.

Francine and Fern started to giggle again. "Come on, Muffy," said Francine. "It's no worse than the poem you wrote about Arthur."

Muffy became flabbergasted. "I...I...I..."

"Always talking about yourself, as usual," Fern quipped.

Muffy suddenly spotted Sue Ellen walking towards Mr. Ratburn's classroom. "I'll catch you later," she said to Francine and Fern.

Walking quickly, she caught up with Sue Ellen. "Wait up!"

"Hi, Muffy," Sue Ellen greeted her.

"I need to ask you something," said Muffy as the two girls continued towards the classroom.

"Go ahead."

"That statue of yours..."

"Which one?"

"The one from Africa. The one with the body-switching curse."

"What about it?" asked Sue Ellen as she opened the classroom door.

"What else can you tell me about it?"

Muffy and Sue Ellen sat down at a table next to each other. Mr. Ratburn hummed cheerfully as he wrote a list of scientific terms on the chalkboard.

"Not much," Sue Ellen answered. "An old woman who kept the grounds at the embassy gave it to me because she thought I was a nice little girl."

"Funny," said Muffy thoughtfully. "Why would she give you a cursed statue, then?"

"She didn't really believe in the curse. I don't believe in it either."

Muffy paused and rubbed her chin.

"But let's suppose for a minute that the curse is real," she went on. "If two people got switched by it, how would they reverse the curse?"

Sue Ellen thought for a moment. "Uh...I guess they would have to find another cursed statue, and switch themselves back. But I'm the wrong person to ask about curses. You want Prunella. She's descended from gypsies."

As Muffy pondered these words, she was startled to see Brain--that is, Brain's body and whoever might be inhabiting it--walk into the classroom and take a seat nearby.

"There I am," she thought. "Maybe now I can get some clues as to what's going on."

Brain looked over at Muffy with a hint of curiosity.

"Uh...hello, Brain," said Muffy, smiling and waving her fingers. "How are you...er, feeling today?"

"I feel fine," Brain replied. "Uh...how about yourself?"

"Never better," said Muffy, as the confusion in her mind--that is, Brain's mind--escalated to new levels. She looked away from Brain and gazed at the table top.

"He talks just like me," she said to herself. "That can't be Muffy in my body. She may be a good actor, but she's not THAT good. If he's Alan, then who am I?"

Mr. Ratburn called the class to order and launched into a lecture about the formation of dew on plants. While the other kids looked bored, Brain's mind became fascinated with the subject, and for a while completely forgot that he was trapped in Muffy's body.

"Now," said Mr. Ratburn, turning to the class, "who can tell me what condensation is?"

Muffy absent-mindedly raised her hand.

"Yes, Muffy?"

"Condensation is the process by which evaporated water in the air attaches itself to a cool surface and forms water droplets."

The other kids stared at Muffy in wonder, except for Brain, who for some reason didn't seem surprised at Muffy's sudden display of scientific knowledge.

Muffy/Brain glanced around the room nervously. "I shouldn't have said that," she thought. "Now they'll get suspicious."

"Very good, Muffy," said Mr. Ratburn as he turned back to the board, chalk in hand.

"Uh...I've been studying with Brain," Muffy explained.

"That's good," said Mr. Ratburn with his back to her. "Now, who can tell me under what conditions condensation can form?"

Muffy/Brain groaned silently and started to fiddle with one of her braids. "How long can I keep this up?" she wondered.

In a short while the bell rang, and the children filed out of the classroom. Muffy/Brain wandered aimlessly in the direction of the washrooms, wondering whether she should reveal her true identity and risk ending up in a mental hospital, or try to act more like Muffy.

She lifted her hand and started to push open the door to the boy's room, then caught herself. "Wait, I can't go in there."

Reluctantly, she took a few steps to the left and found herself in front of the entrance to the girls' room. She raised her hand to the door, then suddenly became breathless.

Brain had never set foot in this hallowed sanctum. What mysteries were hidden inside?

Muffy/Brain stood motionless, deep in thought. "Okay, maybe I'll wait. But how long can I wait? Muffy goes to the girls' room all the time..."

She gritted her teeth. "Must...be...brave," she said aloud.

Then, with a mighty heave, she flung the door open and marched into the girls' room...

...which looked just like the boys' room, except that the bits of garbage on the floor were different.

She looked around the room. When she saw Muffy's reflection in the mirror, she felt a brief twinge of fear that she might be in the wrong washroom.

"I'll never get used to seeing Muffy in the mirror," she told herself.

At that instant the door opened, and Francine strolled into the girls' room. "Hey, you were pretty good," she said when she saw Muffy. "Maybe I should start studying with Brain."

"Er...ah..." Muffy stammered, "yes, I'm sure he'd be glad to work with you."

Francine walked past Muffy, entered a stall, and closed the door behind her. When Muffy/Brain realized what was about to happen, she panicked and rushed out of the washroom. When she came to a stop, she saw Arthur, Buster, and Binky huddled in front of her, chatting.

"I should join in the conversation," she thought, "but I'd probably make a fool of myself. They'll never accept me as Muffy, and if they find out I'm a boy in a girl's body, they'll treat me like some kind of freak."

Then Muffy/Brain had an encouraging thought. "Wait a minute. They're my friends. I should be able to tell them anything."

Her imagination wandered into a fantasy sequence...

"Guys," said Muffy to Arthur, Buster, and Binky, "I've got to tell you something."

"Sure," said Arthur, smiling. "Tell us anything. We're your friends."

"I'm really The Brain," said Muffy. "This morning I woke up, and I was in Muffy's body. I don't know how it happened."

The three boys exchanged understanding glances with Muffy.

"It's no big deal," said Binky. "That happened to my cousin. She was stuck as a boy for a whole week."

"I can explain that," said Buster. "Space aliens are testing a body-switching device on Earth. I don't know how soon the effect will be reversed, but we're your friends, and we're here to help you adjust to being a girl."

"It's nothing to be ashamed of," said Arthur. "It happens to a lot of kids, but they're ashamed to admit it, because they're afraid of being teased."

Muffy's fantasy sequence faded away. She gathered courage, and walked over to where the three boys were talking.

"Hi, Muffy," said Arthur when he saw her. "How did you get so smart all of a sudden?"

"I'm really The Brain," said Muffy. "This morning I woke up, and I was in Muffy's body. I don't know how it happened."

The three boys stared blankly at Muffy for a moment, then started to laugh riotously. Muffy's face fell.

"That's a good one," said Binky. "It's so funny, I may even remember it tomorrow."

"I guess that means Brain is really Muffy," said Arthur. "So why isn't he at the mall, buying shoes?"

Buster, meanwhile, laughed so hard that he started to choke, and quickly pulled his inhaler from his pocket.

Muffy/Brain observed the boys dolefully.

After a few moments, Arthur stopped laughing and looked over at Muffy. "You're not serious, are you?" he asked with a grim face.

"Yes, I'm serious," said Muffy firmly. "I really am The Brain."

The boys gazed at her for a few seconds, then started to laugh hysterically again. Muffy rolled her eyes, sighed, and walked away from the group.

"It's no use," she muttered silently. "Now they think I'm crazy."

Suddenly a lightbulb switched on in Brain's mind, and Muffy stopped in her tracks.

"Wait...a...minute," she thought. "What if...what if I _am_ crazy?"


	5. Chapter 5

"Today's English lesson is about diphthongs," said Mr. Ratburn as he wrote some pairs of vowels on the chalkboard.

Muffy/Brain was too absorbed in thought to hear the teacher's words.

"It's the only logical explanation," she said to herself, "so it must be the answer. I've got some kind of mental disorder, maybe schizophrenia, and it's making me think I'm Alan Powers, but I'm really Muffy Crosswire. And I can no longer tell fantasy from reality, so no matter how convincing Alan's memories and life experiences may appear, they're nothing but a delusion."

Muffy's lips curved into a faint smile.

"Muffy's parents...I mean, my parents...are rich enough to afford treatments. I may have to spend some time in a mental hospital, but then I'll be cured, and I'll think I'm Muffy again, and I'll live happily ever after."

An hour or so later, Muffy was pacing back and forth on the playground during recess, a look of determination on her face.

"Why is it so hard for me to accept this?" she mumbled. "Science leaves no alternative. My real name is Mary Alice Crosswire. I am, and always have been, and always will be, a girl. Nothing I do will ever change that."

Muffy paced and mumbled, then paced and mumbled some more, and then heard a familiar voice.

"Sorry to throw off your groove, Muffy," said Francine, "but you haven't said a thing about the movie tonight, and we're wondering if it's still going to happen."

Muffy stopped pacing and looked up to see Francine, Sue Ellen, and Fern standing in front of her. "Uh...movie...tonight?" she stuttered.

"Yes, Muffy," said Fern impatiently. "We're all going to see 'Spy Brats 7: The Unstoppable Sequels of Doom', remember?"

"You haven't been acting like yourself today," Sue Ellen remarked. "Maybe my statue did put a curse on you after all."

Confusion filled Brain's mind as he stared through Muffy's eyes at the three girls, but it was soon replaced by clarity. "This is just what I need. Maybe hanging out with the girls will help jog my memories of being Muffy."

"I...I'm sorry," said Muffy. "I don't know how I could have forgotten about that. I'm just...I'm just having a bad brain day, I guess."

Francine grinned. "Oh, we understand, Muffy. It's easy to forget about unimportant things like movies when you're in..."

Francine's implied meaning slowly dawned upon Muffy.

"Love?" said Muffy, sounding a bit frantic. "Who am I in love with?"

The other girls giggled.

"You really do have memory problems," Fern commented.

"Maybe it's time for a CAT scan," added Sue Ellen.

Muffy let out an exasperated sigh. "You're just trying to torment me, aren't you?"

"Just meet us at the theatre at seven," said Francine. "Tie a string to your finger so you don't forget."

"See you then," said Sue Ellen as she and Francine turned to leave.

Shortly, Fern and Muffy were left alone in the playground.

"Fern, who am I in love with?" asked Muffy earnestly.

"You really don't remember?" said Fern as she and Muffy walked toward a bench.

"No, I really don't," said Muffy. "Remind me."

"We were just teasing you," said Fern as she and Muffy sat down. "You're not in love with anyone, as far as we know."

"What a relief."

Fern suddenly became serious. "As for me, it's a different story."

Muffy gasped. "You...?"

"It's Alan," said Fern somberly. "I don't like calling him Brain."

Muffy's expression changed to one of shock. Inside her head, Brain's mind struggled to remain calm. "She's not talking about me," Muffy/Brain said sternly to herself.

"You're the one with all the advice," Fern said to her. "There must be a way to get Alan to notice me. I'd like to look him in the face and tell him how I feel, but I'm sure I would just turn into a poodle of nerves."

"You meant to say puddle, right?" said Muffy.

"Yes, I did."

Muffy appeared to become discouraged. "Normally, I would have plenty of free romantic advice to give out, but...Sue Ellen's right. I haven't been myself. Fern, I'm afraid I may be suffering from some dire malady."

Fern sighed. "You remind me of Alan when you use words like that. You're trying to say that you're sick, right?"

"Uh...yes. I think I'll go and see a doctor. Tomorrow."

"Maybe you should go today," Fern advised.

"No, I'll be fine," said Muffy as she rose from the bench. "I'll see you at the movie tonight."

As Muffy walked away and left Fern behind, Brain's mind continued to muse over this astonishing turn of events. "Fern...I never imagined...."

"Stop it," Muffy grumbled. "Stop thinking like a boy."

----

At about 8:30 p.m. that evening (the Spy Brats sequels were getting shorter and shorter), a crowd of people, mostly children, filed out of the Elwood City Googolplex. Among them were Muffy, Francine, Sue Ellen, and Fern.

"That was the best one yet," said Francine. "The sequels just get better and better."

"I think I'll be a spy when I grow up," said Sue Ellen.

"Why wait?" Fern responded.

"As for me," said Muffy with a hint of melancholy, "I haven't given up on the fashion model thing."

Muffy's limo was parked at the curb in front of the theater. "See you tomorrow," she said to the other girls as she climbed into the vehicle.

As Muffy fastened her seat belt, Bailey the chauffeur turned his head. "How was the movie, Miss Muffy?"

"It was...superlative."

As the limo pulled away from the curb, Muffy/Brain considered the events of the day. Going to the movie with the girls had been fun and enjoyable, and she had learned a few things about their secret lives that she (or, at least, Brain) hadn't known before. However, she could still not remember the slightest detail of Muffy's life previous to May 12th. Yet science demanded that the memories had to still be there, somewhere in her mind, unless they had been ripped away by some unspeakable trauma...

Not long afterward, Muffy had changed into her white nightgown, and Mrs. Crosswire was pulling the covers over her as she lay in her water bed.

"Good night, Mom," she said sweetly.

"Good night, Muffin," said Mrs. Crosswire, kissing Muffy on the cheek.

As Mrs. Crosswire turned out the lights and exited the bedroom, Muffy/Brain started to make plans for the next day. The first thing she would do was schedule a doctor appointment. Hopefully she would fully recover before long, but until that day came, she would try her best to be the Muffy that everyone knew and...tolerated.

She smiled. "Being a girl isn't such a bad thing. And being a stinking filthy rich girl...well..."

Suddenly Brain noticed the rays of the sun slipping through the blinds and landing on his face. He sat up quickly.

He was on his own bed, in his own room...in his own body.

A look of astonishment spread across his face.

"It was a dream," he muttered. "I dreamed I was Muffy. That was weird."

The dream, as he called it, had been incredibly vivid and realistic, but he pushed it from his mind as he climbed out of his bed.

Moments later he arrived in the kitchen of the Powers home, still dressed in his blue pajamas. His parents were seated at a dining table; his mother was eating cornflakes, and his father was reading the newspaper. The front page read, "Unrest Continues in Karjakistan", and the date was May 12th.

"Morning, Alan," said Mrs. Powers.

"Morning, Mom," Brain replied, smiling. "You won't believe the crazy dream I had last night."

"Tell me," she said.

"I dreamed I was..."

At that moment the phone rang. Mrs. Powers rose from the table and went into the living room, where she answered the phone.

"Hold on, I'll get him," Brain heard his mother say. "Alan, it's for you. It's Muffy."

Brain, wondering why Muffy would call so early, hurried into the living room and took the phone. "Hey, Muffy."

"Uh...hi, Brain," said Muffy on the other end. "How are you doing today?"

"Oh, I'm fine," Brain replied.

"I've got a question for you," said Muffy. "What's sixty-eight times forty-one?"

"2788," Brain answered effortlessly. "Anything else?"

"No," said Muffy. "I'll see you at school."

The call was cut off, and Brain hung up. He walked back to the kitchen, where his mother had put down eggs and bacon for his breakfast.

"What was that about?" asked Mr. Powers as he turned the page of the newspaper.

Brain picked up a strip of bacon and took a bite out of it. "It was Muffy. She wanted to know what sixty-eight times forty..."

Mr. Powers lowered his paper. "What?"

Brain had spit out his bacon and turned ghastly pale...


	6. Chapter 6

Brain normally had no trouble paying attention to Mr. Ratburn's science lectures, especially when the topic was something as exciting as dewdrops. Today, however, his mind kept drifting away from the lesson, and back to his bizarre, memorable dream...  
  
"That was so strange," he thought. "Not only was I in Muffy's body, but I managed to convince myself that I really was Muffy, and a mental illness was causing me to think I was Alan. Yes, it was a perfectly logical conclusion, but still, it's so funny and weird..."  
  
"Now," said Mr. Ratburn, turning to the class, "who can tell me what condensation is?"  
  
Muffy raised her hand.  
  
"Yes, Muffy?"  
  
"Condensation is the process by which evaporated water in the air attaches itself to a cool surface and forms water droplets."  
  
The other kids stared at Muffy in wonder. Brain cast her a brief, curious glance.  
  
"Very good, Muffy," said Mr. Ratburn as he turned back to the board, chalk in hand.  
  
"Uh...I've been studying with Brain," Muffy explained.  
  
As Mr. Ratburn resumed his lecture, Brain mused on what he had just heard.  
  
"That's exactly what she...I mean, what I said in my dream. But it can't be. Otherwise I'm predicting the future in my dreams, and that's a scientific impossibility. It's just like this morning, when she called me and asked the same math question that I did in my dream. It's deja vu. A simply explained phenomenon in which your mind tricks you into thinking that you've experienced the exact same thing twice."  
  
A little while later, Brain stood in front of a canvas in art class, painting a crude image of a dinosaur. Arthur and Buster stood on each side of him, also painting.  
  
Arthur glanced over at Brain and smiled. "Hey, Brain, why aren't you at the mall?"  
  
Buster looked at Arthur and laughed so hard that he started to cough. When he recovered, he said to Brain, "Yeah, your clothes are sooo last year."  
  
Brain stared blankly at the two boys.  
  
"Sorry, Brain," said Arthur. "Muffy came up to us a while ago and..."  
  
"...and told you she was really me," said Brain.  
  
Arthur and Buster suddenly became serious. "Uh...right," said Arthur.  
  
"Must be some kind of joke involving Sue Ellen's cursed statue," Brain muttered as he continued to paint.  
  
Buster lowered his brush and looked at Brain grimly. "Uh...you really are Brain, right?"  
  
Brain glowered at him. "How rude!" he squeaked facetiously.  
  
----  
  
As the school day lumbered to a close, Brain continued to marvel at how much the events he witnessed resembled his dream. Still, he told himself again and again, there could be no actual connection.  
  
The final bell had sounded, and Mr. Ratburn's third-graders were on their way out of the school building. As Brain descended the stone steps, he saw Muffy at the curb, opening the door to her limousine.  
  
She turned, saw Brain, and waved. "Uh, I'll see you, Brain," she said flatly.  
  
This time, the similarity between Muffy's farewell and what Brain had said in his dream was so striking that Brain stopped dead in his tracks.  
  
Then, without warning, somebody struck him in the back, sending him sprawling on the concrete...  
  
He looked at the books and papers that had fallen out of his bag and scattered along the sidewalk, saw Muffy's limo pulling away, and then heard an apologetic voice...  
  
"Oh, no! Brain, I'm so sorry!"  
  
With a bit of effort Brain rolled over on his back, and saw a worried-looking Fern standing over him.  
  
"Are you all right?" she said contritely. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..."  
  
"I'm fine," said Brain as he sat up and started to collect his papers. "I shouldn't have stopped like that."  
  
Wordlessly and hesitantly, Fern stuck out a hand.  
  
"Hmm," Brain pondered silently, "I wonder..."  
  
He reached out, put both hands around Fern's extended hand, and started to pull himself up...  
  
...when Fern suddenly pulled back her hand and placed it over her mouth nervously. Brain lurched backwards and landed squarely on his posterior.  
  
"Oof!" he grunted.  
  
Fern started to apologize even more frantically. "Oh my gosh! I'm sorry! I don't know why I did that..."  
  
"Forget it," said Brain as he struggled to his feet. As soon as he reached a standing position, he bent over to retrieve his scattered books and papers.  
  
But Fern bent over with the same intentions, and at the exact same time...  
  
After an abrupt collision, both Brain and Fern were sprawled on the sidewalk, looking dazed.  
  
Brain shook his head. "I think she's doing this on purpose," he said to himself. "It's like some sort of ritual mating dance. Or an extremely uninspired romantic comedy."  
  
Brain and Fern slowly dragged themselves to their feet and faced each other.  
  
"Let me help..." Fern began.  
  
"You just stand there," Brain ordered. "I'll get my things."  
  
As Brain bent over to retrieve his scattered items, Fern apologized profusely. "I'm really sorry. I'm just so awkward and clumsy..."  
  
"This is nothing," said Brain as he picked up his science book and brushed off the dust. "Just wait until you hit puberty."  
  
Finally Brain tucked his books and papers into his bag and slung it over his shoulder.  
  
"I'm really sorry for bumping into you, Brain," said Fern contritely.  
  
"I'll walk you home," Brain offered.  
  
Fern gaped and started to stammer. "I...well...uh...I don't know..."  
  
"You...do know how to get there, right?" Brain quipped.  
  
Fern nodded weakly, turned, and headed down the sidewalk. Brain walked alongside her.  
  
"It's really nice of you," Fern said. "I'm sorry for acting so weird, but when you offered to walk me home, I...I just..."  
  
"...turned into a poodle of nerves?"  
  
"That's right." Fern smiled. "But you meant to say puddle, didn't you?"  
  
Brain and Fern talked back and forth for several blocks, and then arrived in front of Fern's house.  
  
"Thanks a lot, Brain," said Fern as she walked toward the front door.  
  
"You can call me Alan," said Brain.  
  
Fern suddenly stopped and turned. "Okay...Alan," she said sweetly.  
  
As Fern entered her house, Brain strolled down the sidewalk, smiling. "All in all," he told himself, "this has been a very good day."  
  
----  
  
After a hearty dinner and a game of basketball with Arthur, Buster, Binky, and George (during which Binky successfully blocked all of George's shots), Brain's very good day turned into a very good evening.  
  
Dressed in his usual blue pajamas, Brain climbed into his bed, and his mother pulled the covers over him.  
  
"Good night, Alan," she said, kissing him on the cheek. "Pleasant dreams," she said knowingly.  
  
"If they're anything like last night's," said Brain.  
  
Mrs. Powers switched off the lights as she left the bedroom and closed the door behind her.  
  
Brain put his hands behind his head and smiled. "I wonder what I'll dream about this time. Maybe I'll dream that I'm Fern. That wouldn't be so bad. I wouldn't have to do anything with my hair. I hope I don't dream that I'm Sue Ellen. I would look really stupid with hair puffs. And Jenna...oh, please, not her..."  
  
Brain closed his eyes...  
  
...and was awakened a split-second later by the sound of a cell phone ringing.  
  
He didn't need to open his eyes to tell what had just happened to him. From his experience the previous night, the bodily sensations had become familiar.  
  
"Oh my gosh," he mumbled. "Not again." As he feared and expected, the voice he heard was Muffy's.  
  
Muffy/Brain jumped from the water bed, switched on the lights, and stepped in front of the full-length mirror. She looked just like she had at the end of the last dream, except that her hair was somewhat tangled.  
  
She sighed. "Is this going to happen every night?"  
  
The cell phone continued to ring. She rushed over to the end table, picked it up, and pushed the receive button. "Hello?"  
  
The voice she heard was The Brain's. "Hi, Muffy. Or should I say Alan?"  
  
Muffy/Brain became exasperated. "Would you mind telling me what's going on? I assume that's why you're calling in the first place. So is this another dream, or what?"  
  
"Stay calm," said Brain's voice. "If it's a dream, it's a very long one. But it may be something else. I'm still trying to figure things out."  
  
"What day is this?" asked Muffy/Brain as she brushed a few strands of hair from her face.  
  
"May 13th," said Brain's voice.  
  
"At least it's not May 12th again," said Muffy. "I'd hate to have to go through that day a third time."  
  
Then a thought struck Muffy...  
  
"Wait a minute," she continued. "I went through May 12th twice. The first time I was Muffy, and the second time I was myself. Does that mean I have to go through May 13th twice?"  
  
"Apparently," Brain's voice answered.  
  
"But that means...that means I'm about to go through May 13th the first time, and you're about to go through it the second time."  
  
"You got it," said Brain's voice. "You know, for two people who have as much in common as you and I do, words shouldn't even be necessary."  
  
Muffy/Brain's astonishment grew. "Alan, don't you know what that means? That's time travel! You're in my future!"  
  
"That's right. Everything that will happen to you today has already happened to me."  
  
"Don't tell me anything," said Muffy soberly. "Don't interfere with the timeline."  
  
"I wasn't going to," said Brain's voice. "I wouldn't want to spoil the surprise..."  
  
Muffy/Brain heard snickering on the other end of the line, and became annoyed. Then another thought struck her.  
  
"Alan," she said quietly, "something just occurred to me."  
  
"I know," said the voice on the cell phone.  
  
"If you're Alan, and I'm Alan..."  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
Muffy/Brain's voice started to quiver. "Then what happened to Muffy?"  
  
(To Be Continued...) 


	7. Chapter 7

Later that morning, the children had started to take their seats in Mr. Ratburn's classroom. Brain and Muffy sat next to each other, talking quietly.  
  
"The laws of time and space don't seem to apply in our situation," said Brain. "Muffy's consciousness is probably floating around in a dimensional pocket somewhere, waiting to come back once this is all over. I wouldn't worry about it."  
  
"I hope she hasn't decided to ditch her body and take over someone else's," said Muffy/Brain.  
  
"Hey, Brain," said Binky as he walked past their table, "I wanna ask you something."  
  
"Not now, Binky," said Brain. "I'm trying to get in touch with my feminine side."  
  
"That's not funny," said Muffy/Brain, offended.  
  
"You thought of it," Brain quipped.  
  
Muffy suddenly grinned. "I just thought of something else. You know everything that will happen to me today, right? What if we go to the horse races, and you tell me which horse will be the winner, and I place some bets? We could get rich."  
  
"That wouldn't be ethical," said Brain. "Besides, you're already rich."  
  
"I know," said Muffy/Brain. "I wasn't being serious."  
  
Muffy and Brain glanced toward the front of the room at Mr. Ratburn, who was still writing figures on the board.  
  
"And another thing," said Muffy. "When I wake up tomorrow...I mean, when I wake up this morning and become you, will I have to say everything I've heard you say, exactly as you've said it?"  
  
"Yes," said Brain. "So pay close attention."  
  
Mr. Ratburn turned and began to lecture. "Today we'll examine the question of whether a watched pot ever boils..."  
  
----  
  
While the Lakewood school children enjoyed themselves during recess, Buster stood behind the south wall of the library, whistling quietly and a bit nervously. Every few moments he glanced around as if expecting a visitor.  
  
After a short time Muffy rounded the corner, holding her hands behind her back. She strolled over to Buster and faced him, smiling.  
  
"There you are, Muffy," said Buster. "So, where are the aliens you wanted to show..."  
  
Before Buster could finish his sentence, Muffy reached out, grabbed him by the cheeks, pulled his head down, and kissed him squarely on the lips.  
  
Buster's eyes went wide. His ears became straight as bamboo shoots.  
  
After a kiss that lasted roughly seven seconds, Muffy released Buster's head. Buster slowly backed away a few steps, then turned and ran, screaming.  
  
Brain came around the corner, his hands in his pockets. "Disappointing, wasn't it?" he said casually.  
  
"I'll say," Muffy/Brain replied. "We can try it again in five years."  
  
"Assuming that Muffy doesn't come back to reclaim her body by then," Brain continued.  
  
The two Brains started to walk slowly in the direction of the school building. "You want to know what I think?" said Muffy/Brain.  
  
"I already know what you think," Brain responded.  
  
"I'll say it anyway. I think Muffy intended for this to happen. Somehow she stuck me with her body, then floated off noncorporeally to the South Pacific, where she's having the time of her life."  
  
"That's a silly idea," said Brain, "but it's as good as any explanation I can come up with."  
  
"So that makes me Muffy's body-sitter," said Muffy/Brain. Brain laughed.  
  
Muffy became more serious. "What if she doesn't come back for a long time? Or at all? I think two days is a long time to be in this weird situation, but what about five years? Or ten? How will we cope?"  
  
Brain looked thoughtful, even more so than usual. "Yes, I have considered that possibility. We may have to adjust."  
  
"You know, Alan," said Muffy/Brain, her voice sounding a bit more feminine, "there's no reason why we should both become scientists."  
  
"Oh?" said Brain curiously.  
  
"For you, it's a no-brainer, if you'll pardon the expression. Boys are expected to do things like that. As for me, well...there are other possibilities."  
  
"Such as?"  
  
"Picture us ten years from now," said Muffy/Brain dreamily. "You've got a full-ride scholarship to Harvard, naturally, while I, on the other hand, have grown into a stunning Rubenesque beauty."  
  
Brain stared at her, looking a bit worried.  
  
"Think of it," she went on. "One day, you're employing the tools of science to solve the mysteries of the universe. The next day, you're strolling elegantly down the runway, wearing a gorgeous chiffon gown, the sequins glittering in the limelight..."  
  
Suddenly Brain grabbed Muffy by the shoulders and began to shake her. "Snap out of it!" he cried.  
  
"Huh? What?" said Muffy, a bit dazed. "What happened?"  
  
Brain stopped shaking her. "You were talking like a girl!"  
  
Muffy/Brain gasped. "Omigosh! I don't know what came over me!"  
  
"It's a good thing I was here," said Brain, lowering his hands. "You might have been lost forever."  
  
Muffy/Brain wiped her brow. "That's it. I'm not kissing any more boys."  
  
As Brain and Muffy walked through the playground, they passed by Francine, who was jumping a rope twirled by Fern and Sue Ellen.  
  
"Hey...Muffy," called Francine between jumps.  
  
"Hey, Francine," Muffy answered. "Don't hurt yourself."  
  
"Francine and I are going to the mall tonight," said Fern. "Do you want to come along? It'll be fun."  
  
Muffy seemed undecided. "Uh..."  
  
"I wouldn't advise it," Brain said quietly to her. "Not after that moment of weakness you just had."  
  
"But I'd like to go," said Muffy/Brain. "I can't spend the whole day following you around."  
  
"If you go," said Brain sternly, "you won't have my strength to rely on. You'll be alone, unprotected, and female, in a shopping mall. Are you prepared to face that kind of temptation?"  
  
"The way you describe it just makes it sound more exciting," said Muffy, smiling.  
  
She turned back to Fern, who was now jumping in place of Francine. "Sure, I'll come. What about you, Sue Ellen?"  
  
"I can't," Sue Ellen answered. "I've got to help my parents prepare for the party tomorrow."  
  
"Oh, yeah, the party," said Francine. "So what's this big announcement you keep telling us about?"  
  
"You'll find out," said Sue Ellen mysteriously. "Just come."  
  
Brain wiped his hands together. "I wash my hands of this. You're on your own."  
  
"Fine," said Muffy/Brain.  
  
As Brain walked away from the girls, he put a finger over his mouth and started to snicker.  
  
----  
  
The final bell of the day sounded, and the kids in Mr. Ratburn's class began to stow their books and papers. "Don't forget about the math test tomorrow," The Rat called out.  
  
On the way to the school exit, Muffy/Brain walked alongside Buster, who, surprisingly, didn't seem alarmed or nervous to see her.  
  
"Buster," said Muffy, "I...I hope I didn't send you the wrong message by kissing you today."  
  
"Of course not," said Buster, smiling. "I understood perfectly what you were trying to tell me."  
  
Muffy gaped. "You...you did?"  
  
"Yeah. And I'd love to put on a petticoat, go to the park and chase squirrels with you, but I really need to study for the math test. See ya."  
  
While Buster walked ahead, the astonished Muffy tried to determine the meaning of his statement, or whether it had any meaning at all.  
  
She was still turning it over and over in her mind when the limo came to a stop in front of the mall entrance that evening.  
  
"I can spend more money than you can," said Francine as she jumped out of the limo.  
  
"No, you can't," said Fern as she followed after.  
  
"I can spend more money than both of you put together," said Muffy, the last to exit the vehicle.  
  
"Yes, you can," said Francine and Fern in unison. The three girls giggled.  
  
As they approached the doors leading into the mall, Muffy/Brain suddenly stopped.  
  
"This is crazy," she thought. "As soon as I go through those doors, all my logic and reason will fly out the window, and my girl instincts will take over."  
  
"Uh, Muffy?" said Francine. She and Fern had also stopped short of the doors.  
  
"Oh, well," thought Muffy/Brain, "you're only female once."  
  
"You okay?" asked Fern.  
  
"Uh, fine," said Muffy. "I just thought for a second that I might have forgotten my wallet, but then I remembered that I never forget my wallet."  
  
The girls entered the mall, and Fern was immediately and irresistibly drawn into the Comics Craze store. "Ooh...comic books," she droned.  
  
"Great," moaned Francine. "Fern and her comic books."  
  
She turned and saw that Muffy had also entered the comics store, and was gazing (and quite possibly drooling) at a particular issue that was stored under a glass cover.  
  
"What is it?" asked Francine.  
  
"Bionic Bunny #17," said Muffy lustfully.  
  
"I thought that was for boys."  
  
"Uh...of course it is," said Muffy anxiously. "But this particular issue is extremely rare. There are only twenty copies left. If I could get my hands on all of them, then I could sell them at any price I choose."  
  
"You and your get-richer-quick schemes," said Francine. "Oh, look! Rat Woman!"  
  
As Francine and Fern browsed the selection of comics, they started to talk about Sue Ellen's upcoming announcement.  
  
"She told me once that her dad was trying to get a job with the United Nations," said Francine. "Maybe he succeeded."  
  
"Maybe she's decided to drop her middle name and go by Sue," Fern suggested.  
  
"Or drop her first name and go by Ellen," Francine proposed.  
  
"I think it's something more important than that," said Fern as she flipped the pages of a Zutzut comic.  
  
Francine glanced around the store. "Where's Muffy?"  
  
Fern looked outside of the store entrance and gasped. "Uh...oh..."  
  
In front of the Dullard's clothing store stood an immobile Muffy, gazing up at a girl-sized mannequin clad in a gorgeous white taffeta gown.  
  
When Francine and Fern reached her side, Muffy was mumbling almost incoherently. They could make out a few words: "...resistance...weakening... must...purchase..."  
  
Francine looked at Fern blankly. "I think we should try to stop her."  
  
"Yes," said Fern, "we're her friends, after all."  
  
They stood and did nothing while Muffy pulled her wallet from her blouse pocket and walked into the clothing store.  
  
----  
  
The door to Muffy's bedroom cracked open, and Mrs. Crosswire stuck her head in. "Muffy, Brain's here to see you."  
  
"Send him in," said Muffy happily.  
  
When Brain entered the room, the sight he beheld was startling but not unexpected. Several boxes and bags littered the floor, and in front of the full-length mirror stood Muffy, turning from side to side to exhibit her new taffeta gown.  
  
"How do you like it?" she asked Brain, smiling vacuously.  
  
Brain stared at her wordlessly.  
  
Muffy/Brain's expression slowly changed from ecstasy to horror.  
  
She quickly reached into a shopping bag and pulled out a receipt. Her jaw plummeted when she looked at the figure on the bottom line. "Eight...hundred...dollars..."  
  
Brain walked over and put a sympathetic hand on Muffy's shoulder.  
  
Frantically, Muffy grabbed her wallet from off the dresser and forced it into Brain's hands. "Quick, Alan! Hide it where I'll never find it!"  
  
Brain didn't move, but just shook his head. "Girls," he muttered.  
  
Muffy/Brain glared at him. "You...you knew this would happen! Why didn't you warn me?"  
  
"I did," said Brain.  
  
Muffy/Brain's face fell. "And it's only my second day as a girl. What will I do next?"  
  
"There's no way to tell," said Brain, placing Muffy's wallet on the dresser. "We're dealing with a formidable and unpredictable enemy...the Crosswire Shopping Gene."  
  
"How do I fight it?" cried Muffy.  
  
Brain sat down on the edge of the water bed and looked at his feet. "You don't. Resistance is futile. You must submit."  
  
Brain and Muffy exchanged a long glance. Muffy's expression turned into one of resignation.  
  
She turned back to face the full-length mirror.  
  
"Do you think it makes my butt look big?"  
  
(Once again, To Be Continued...) 


	8. Chapter 8

On the morning of May 14th, Alan Powers once again awoke in the body of Muffy Crosswire. It was the third time this had happened, and the novelty and shock had started to wear off.  
  
Muffy/Brain climbed out of the water bed, switched on the lights, and stepped in front of the full-length mirror. The image of Muffy clad in a white nightgown and with straggly hair no longer inspired the terror it once had.  
  
"Alan Powers versus the Crosswire Shopping Gene," she said flippantly. "Round three." The white taffeta gown she had purchased the previous evening was suspended by a clothes hanger from the wardrobe doorknob.  
  
It struck her as odd that Brain had not called yet. She wandered over to the end table, picked up her cell phone...  
  
...and then set it down again.  
  
"I'll wait for him to call me," she said mischievously. "I'm a girl, after all."  
  
----  
  
"Today we'll learn why apple cores turn brown," announced Mr. Ratburn.  
  
Muffy/Brain glanced around the classroom and wondered why Brain hadn't arrived yet. "Maybe he's sick," she pondered. "I hope not. That means I'll get whatever he's got."  
  
"...the oxygen in the air causes a chemical reaction..."  
  
"Maybe he's dead," thought Muffy/Brain. "If he's dead, does that mean I'll be Muffy forever?" A shudder of fear ran through her.  
  
The bell rang, and the children started to gather their books and papers.  
  
As Muffy sat silently, speculating about Brain's fate, Francine and Fern approached her.  
  
"Where's your boyfriend?" Francine taunted her.  
  
Muffy scowled. "I have no idea what you're talking about."  
  
"She means Brain," Fern explained.  
  
"I don't know where he is," said Muffy, "and he's not my boyfriend."  
  
"You went everywhere with him yesterday," said Fern. "Except shopping. When do I get a turn?"  
  
Muffy/Brain pulled her cell phone from its clip. "If you're so worried about him, then I'll call and find out."  
  
She dialed Brain's number, then listened. Francine and Fern stood over her impatiently.  
  
"Hi, Mrs. Powers. Where's Brain today? He's not at school."  
  
Suddenly Muffy's face froze in fear.  
  
"What is it?" asked Francine, concerned.  
  
Muffy slowly lowered the cell phone from her ear.  
  
"He's...he's disappeared!"  
  
(Do I have to say it?)  
  
(To Be Continued...) 


	9. Chapter 9

"The last people to see Alan were his parents, this morning," said Principal Haney. "I've talked to all the teachers, and they haven't seen him."  
  
"Can't you make a public announcement?" Muffy/Brain urged him. She had gathered in front of the principal's office with Arthur, Buster, Binky, Francine, Fern, and Prunella.  
  
"I don't want to get everybody needlessly worried just yet," said Mr. Haney.  
  
"As soon as school's over, I'll go straight to my crystal ball and ask the spirits to lead me to him," said Prunella.  
  
"That's fine," said Mr. Haney, glancing at his watch. "We need all the help we can get. Now if you'll excuse me..."  
  
As the principal walked away, the kids talked among themselves about what might have happened to Brain.  
  
Buster spoke first. "Maybe he was abducted by..."  
  
"Oh, Buster!" Francine moaned. "This is no time to talk about aliens."  
  
"Maybe I wasn't gonna say aliens," said Buster. "He could have been abducted by terrorists. Or spies. Or the monsters under his bed."  
  
"I hope nothing bad happened to him," said Binky. "Who will I ask for help with my math homework?"  
  
"If anything bad happened to him," Muffy/Brain secretly feared, "the exact same thing will happen to me."  
  
As they conferred among themselves, Sue Ellen approached the group.  
  
"Is it true?" she asked. "Is Brain missing?"  
  
"That's the story," Prunella replied.  
  
"About your party tonight, Sue Ellen," said Fern, "if Brain doesn't show up by then, maybe our time will be better spent..."  
  
"No, we can't cancel Sue Ellen's party," said Francine.  
  
"That's right," said Arthur. "If worse comes to worse, then we'll just call it a search and rescue planning meeting...with snacks."  
  
"Mmm...snacks," said Buster dreamily.  
  
"Besides," said Fern, "we're all dying to know what the big announcement is."  
  
Suddenly the class bell rang.  
  
"Oh, no, we're late," said Arthur. "Let's get going."  
  
----  
  
The kids looked glum, and it wasn't hard for Mr. Ratburn to tell that their thoughts were with their mysteriously missing friend.  
  
"Now let's not get too worried about Alan," he said as he stood at the front of the classroom. "Kids go missing all the time, and they usually show up safe and sound. For all we know, he might walk right into the classroom during the middle of my lecture on synonyms, which I'll now begin..."  
  
As Mr. Ratburn wrote word after word on the chalkboard, Muffy/Brain struggled to ignore the fears running through her mind.  
  
"Where could he be? Maybe he found a way to make me stop being Muffy, but he has to go to a lab in another city for ingredients. Or maybe he thinks if he goes far enough away, he'll stop waking up as Muffy. But...what if he does something that makes us become separate people? What if he becomes Brain all the time, and I become Muffy all the time? Or vice versa? What if the real Muffy never comes back?"  
  
The school day lumbered on, with Muffy/Brain becoming more and more worried about the whereabouts and safety of her male half.  
  
"With all this time travel going on, I wouldn't be surprised if he fell into a rift in the space-time continuum..."  
  
Soon after the final bell rang, the downcast Muffy walked slowly toward the school exit. Fern approached and walked alongside her.  
  
"Gosh," she said. "You look depressed. You're taking it harder than anyone."  
  
"Uh-huh," mumbled Muffy without looking up.  
  
"I'm sorry for teasing you about him," said Fern. "I know he's not your boyfriend, but I can tell he means a lot to you."  
  
"Yeah," said Muffy/Brain a little less mournfully. "I see a lot of...myself in him, if you know what I mean."  
  
"I wouldn't mind much if he was my boyfriend," said Fern, smiling faintly.  
  
"Don't give up hope," Muffy reassured her.  
  
----  
  
As Muffy/Brain approached the front door of Sue Ellen's house, carrying a bag of chocolate bars, she had a disturbing thought.  
  
"Alan knows everything that will happen to me today, because it's already happened to him. What if something terrible is going to happen, and he's running away from it?"  
  
She scowled and shook her head. "That's impossible. I would never run away."  
  
Muffy rang the bell, and shortly Sue Ellen answered. "Come on in, Muffy. You're the first."  
  
As Muffy entered, she heard some unusual-sounding music coming from the stereo. "What is that?" she asked.  
  
"It's Ayahuasca music," Sue Ellen explained. "They're a Native American tribe who live in the Peruvian rainforest."  
  
"Sounds interesting," said Muffy as she placed the bag of chocolate bars on a table.  
  
"Thanks. You never liked my music much before."  
  
"Oh..." said Muffy/Brain. "Well, it's interesting, but it's not the Backstreet Boys."  
  
Sue Ellen pointed at a bowl brimming with popcorn. "Have some popcorn, Muffy."  
  
Muffy glanced at the popcorn bowl and looked away...she wasn't in the mood. She took a seat on the couch.  
  
"Any word on Brain?" Sue Ellen asked.  
  
Muffy sighed. "Nothing. I've been calling my...er, his parents every half-hour, but there's no sign of him yet."  
  
Sue Ellen sat on a chair opposite Muffy. "Too bad. I was really hoping he'd come tonight. Have some popcorn."  
  
"Not just yet," said Muffy weakly.  
  
The doorbell rang, and Sue Ellen answered it. "Hi, Arthur. Hi, Buster. Come on in."  
  
"What's up, Sue Ellen?" asked Arthur as he and Buster entered.  
  
"Oh, you'll see what's up. Have some popcorn. I just made it."  
  
"Popcorn!" Buster exclaimed! "Awright!" Grabbing the bowl from the table, he carried it with him to a chair, sat down, and started to shovel handfuls of popcorn into his mouth.  
  
"Don't eat it all," Sue Ellen admonished. "I do have other guests."  
  
Before long, Francine, Binky, and Fern had also arrived for the party, and were seated in a circle with the others. The popcorn bowl sat empty on the table, surrounded by various other types of snacks.  
  
"They still haven't found Brain," said Francine. "His parents have gone to the police."  
  
"Did they look in the Sugar Bowl?" asked Buster.  
  
"I'm sure they did," Francine replied.  
  
"I've been wondering about something," said Arthur. "After Brain, who do you think is the second smartest kid in our class?"  
  
"Well, duh," muttered Muffy/Brain silently.  
  
"It's certainly not me," said Sue Ellen. "I can't even get all the presidents right."  
  
"It's Fern," said Francine. Fern looked surprised, but didn't speak.  
  
"Why Fern?" asked Binky.  
  
"Come on, guys," Francine continued. "You all know that under that quiet exterior throbs the brain of a genius. Have you even read anything that she's written?"  
  
Finally Fern spoke. "You're starting to talk like Alan...er, Brain isn't coming back."  
  
The other kids looked at her and didn't respond.  
  
"Besides," Fern went on, "we didn't come here to talk about who's smartest. We came to hear Sue Ellen's big news."  
  
The kids all smiled. "That's right," said Buster.  
  
"Don't tell me," Francine said to Sue Ellen. "Your dad has a new assignment, and you're moving to another country."  
  
Sue Ellen stood up and stared intently at the others. "You're half right, Francine. Yes, my dad has a new assignment..."  
  
The other kids' mouths gaped open. Bits of partially chewed popcorn were still visible in Buster's mouth.  
  
"...but it's not to another country," Sue Ellen concluded.  
  
She reached into a nearby cabinet and pulled out an object; Muffy observed that it was the African figurine that she and Brain had handled on the evening before the first time that Brain had turned into Muffy.  
  
Holding the object in one hand, Sue Ellen grasped the skin of her neck with the other.  
  
As the kids watched in unbelieving astonishment, she proceeded to pull off her face...  
  
(To Be Continued. Duh.) 


	10. Chapter 10

The empty mask that had only recently been Sue Ellen's face and head lay lifeless on the floor.  
  
In its place was the most hideous and shocking sight that Arthur, Francine, Buster, Binky, Muffy/Brain, and Fern had ever beheld...  
  
On top of Sue Ellen's torso sat a green and purple mass of writhing tentacles. At its base was a small opening that vaguely resembled a mouth.  
  
It spoke...with Sue Ellen's voice.  
  
"I hope you're pleased with my true appearance. But one way or another, it makes no difference to me."  
  
Once the other kids had recovered their wits sufficiently to stop gawking, Binky broke the silence.  
  
"Oh, I get it. Your dad's assignment is to another planet. Ha ha ha!"  
  
The alien creature that had been Sue Ellen rolled its eyestalks.  
  
"I knew it!" exclaimed Buster proudly. "I knew it all along!"  
  
"What's your purpose here?" asked Arthur nervously. "What do you want? Why have you kept your identity a secret?"  
  
The alien walked forward on Sue Ellen's feet until it was in the midst of the kids. "All your questions, and more, will be answered in time. However, there is something I must ask...or rather, demand...of you in return."  
  
"Which is?" said Francine, still not believing her eyes.  
  
"That you accompany my parents and myself as we leave your planet."  
  
A silence fell over the room, except for the alien's hoarse breathing.  
  
Buster stood and clenched his fists. "No way! Earth is my home!"  
  
"I think you'll find the rest of us share Buster's attitude," said Muffy/Brain.  
  
"As I expected," said the alien. It held up the African figurine. "The object you see in my hand is a device called a quantum cragulator. It has many uses, one of which I will now demonstrate."  
  
The alien raised the device to its mouth and spoke into it. "You will board the spaceship."  
  
Suddenly Buster, who was still standing, unclenched his fists. His eyes glazed over. "I...will...board...the...spaceship," he droned.  
  
The other children gasped upon witnessing Buster's zombie-like behavior...  
  
...but their surprise was not equal to that of the alien, who scanned them with its eyestalks, apparently expecting them to act in the same manner.  
  
The alien turned abruptly to Buster. "You...you ate ALL the popcorn?"  
  
"Affirmative," said Buster robotically.  
  
"Come on, guys!" yelled Francine, leaping to her feet. Before the alien could react, Arthur, Binky, and Francine tackled it, dragging it to the floor. It dropped the quantum device, and Muffy/Brain rushed over and picked it up.  
  
"Buster, come with us!" she shouted into the device.  
  
"I...obey," droned Buster as he started to walk stiffly forward.  
  
Muffy and Fern opened the front door while the alien pushed Francine, Binky, and Arthur aside with unnatural strength. Soon the five children were running through the door, with Buster following slowly behind.  
  
Once she had reached the sidewalk in front of Sue Ellen's house, Muffy/Brain looked back to see Buster slowly descending the steps, his face frozen in an oblivious trance.  
  
"Faster, Buster!" she shouted into the quantum device, but Buster's pace did not quicken. "Zombies," she sighed.  
  
The other kids, seeing that Muffy and Buster had not kept up with them, stopped and turned.  
  
"Hurry up!" called Francine. "She'll be after us any minute!"  
  
"I can't get Buster to run!" cried Muffy.  
  
Arthur, Francine, Binky, and Fern walked back to rejoin Muffy and Buster.  
  
"Let's pick him up and carry him," said Binky.  
  
"Wait, guys," said Fern. "Don't you think if she wanted to catch us, she would have by now?"  
  
They all looked at the open door to Sue Ellen's house. Nobody came out. No sounds were heard.  
  
The kids started to walk down the street away from the house, with Buster slowly and mindlessly following them.  
  
"Did we really see what we thought we saw?" asked Arthur as he cleaned his glasses on his shirt.  
  
"Muffy, what are you gonna do with that thing?" asked Binky, gesturing at the African-looking device she was holding.  
  
"If I can figure out how this works," she answered, "then hopefully I can get out of Muffy's body once and for all."  
  
"What do you mean?" asked Binky, confused.  
  
"Don't you remember when I told you?" Muffy/Brain snapped. "I'm really The Brain."  
  
Binky started to laugh uproariously.  
  
"Cut it out, Binky!" said Arthur. "What if she's telling the truth? I mean, we all just narrowly escaped being abducted by aliens, so isn't it about time to have an open mind?"  
  
Binky stopped laughing. "But she can't be The Brain. Because The Brain is The Brain, right?"  
  
"I don't know how to explain it," said Muffy/Brain. "All I know is, at Sue Ellen's pizza party, Muffy and I were holding this object, and the next morning, I woke up in Muffy's body. And I've been switching between her body and my own body ever since."  
  
"Huh?" said Binky and Arthur.  
  
"It gets even more confusing. I'm traveling in time as well. I wake up one morning as Muffy, then I wake up the next morning as myself, only it's the same day, not the next day. I'm going through every day twice."  
  
"And you think that device will make it stop?" said Fern as she glanced over her shoulder at Sue Ellen's house.  
  
"I hope so," said Muffy/Brain. "I don't know what else to do."  
  
"How do you make it work?" asked Francine.  
  
"I have no idea."  
  
"Why don't you just tell it to do something?" Arthur suggested.  
  
Muffy/Brain stopped and smiled thoughtfully. Lifting the quantum device to her mouth, she spoke into it. "Quantum device, I command you to..."  
  
Her sentence was interrupted by a sudden violent shaking of the earth. The concrete at their feet started to break apart...  
  
(As always, To Be Continued...) 


	11. Chapter 11

The rumbling of the earth shook Buster out of his trance. "Huh? What's going on?"  
  
"Don't ask questions," said Arthur, grabbing him by the arm. "Just run!"  
  
The six kids ran down the sidewalk as quickly as they could, while all around them the asphalt and concrete started to fracture...  
  
...until finally the rumbling stopped, and was replaced by an other-worldly, almost musical, deafening whine.  
  
Rocks and chunks of asphalt pelted the kids...then an enormous shadow fell over them. They stopped and turned together.  
  
Several seconds passed before the gigantic object ascended sufficiently that they could make out its shape. Round and metallic, with rings of flashing lights, it easily fit the popular image of a flying saucer.  
  
The residents of the street started to walk out of their homes and point into the sky in wonder and horror.  
  
The space vehicle continued to rise until it was roughly the diameter of a medium-sized pizza.  
  
Buster started to chew his fingernails. "Sue Ellen sure knows how to get around," he muttered.  
  
Francine looked at the other kids. "Don't tell me none of you brought a camera," she said hotly.  
  
As the crowd on the street watched, the bottom of the space vehicle began to shine with a variety of colors. They soon formed into a projected image... the face of Sue Ellen, her hair puffs partially cut off by the edges of the spaceship.  
  
She began to speak, and her voice was audible throughout the entire city...  
  
"Maybe I should have mentioned that Earth has been marked for destruction. I had hoped to contribute a few fledgling humans to the interplanetary wildlife preserve, but since you refused to cooperate, I'll just have to incinerate you all."  
  
The kids stared up speechlessly at the transmission, wondering what unspeakable fate would befall their planet.  
  
"Is it getting hot," said Binky, "or is it just..."  
  
"Shut up," Fern snapped.  
  
Then, before they knew what had happened, the image of Sue Ellen on the spacecraft faded out...  
  
...to be replaced by the image of another familiar face...  
  
"It's Brain!" cried Arthur.  
  
Indeed, Sue Ellen's evil grin had been replaced by the friendly smile of their favorite smart boy.  
  
"We interrupt the destruction of Earth for this important message," boomed the voice of The Brain. "Don't give up on the fashion model thing, Muffy."  
  
Muffy/Brain blinked unbelievingly. "So that's where he was all day...hiding out on the spaceship! He must have witnessed the destruction of the planet."  
  
Suddenly the image of Brain blinked out, and Sue Ellen's face returned, this time with an angry, frightened scowl.  
  
"Stop! Don't push that button! AAAAAARGH..."  
  
There was a blinding flash of light...  
  
...followed seconds later by a thundering roar...  
  
...and where the flying saucer had been a second earlier, there was an enormous cloud of fire, smoke, and flying chunks of metal.  
  
The kids looked at each other, confused and speechless.  
  
Arthur was the first to gather enough courage to speak. "He sacrificed himself to save his planet," he said quietly. "It was a good death."  
  
Muffy/Brain's eyes welled up with tears. "He's...gone," she managed to say.  
  
Francine put a comforting arm around her shoulder. "We all feel his loss, Muffy."  
  
"I'm not Muffy!" wailed Muffy/Brain, tears gushing from her eyes. "Didn't you see what happened? My body has been blown to bits! Now I'm doomed to be a girl forever!"  
  
"We can help you," said Francine kindly.  
  
Muffy/Brain tore away from Francine and sank to her knees, weeping. "I don't want to be a girl anymore! I don't want to!"  
  
"Why not?" asked Mrs. Crosswire.  
  
"I don't...I don't...." Her eyes still tightly closed, Muffy thrashed about on her water bed.  
  
"Wake up, honey," chirped her mother. "It's just a dream."  
  
"I don't want to be a girl," Muffy mumbled deliriously.  
  
"You don't really mean that," said Mrs. Crosswire as she rubbed Muffy's forehead. "We'd have to take back all your clothes."  
  
Muffy's eyes sprang open. She looked around the room and gasped. "M-mom?"  
  
"Right here, honey," said her mother.  
  
Muffy sat up and rubbed her eyes. "Oh, Mom, I had the most intense nightmare!"  
  
"Tell me about it."  
  
"I dreamed that The Br...that a boy was inside my body, controlling me. I did all kinds of crazy things."  
  
"So that's why you said you didn't want to be a girl," said Muffy's mother.  
  
"Yeah, Mom," said Muffy as she started to climb down from the water bed. "It was the boy in my body saying that. Honestly, I can't see why any boy wouldn't want to be me. I mean, who cares what the plumbing looks like when the house itself is so beautiful?"  
  
Muffy stepped in front of the full-length mirror and regarded her reflection. She was once again dressed in a white nightgown, and her hair was disordered and tangled. She smiled. "It's good to be me again."  
  
----  
  
At roughly the same time, The Brain hopped into the kitchen of the Powers home, dressed in his usual blue pajamas. His mother was standing over the range, preparing some hot cereal.  
  
"Morning, Alan," she said.  
  
"Morning, Mom," said Brain happily. "I dreamed I saved the world again."  
  
"Oh, really."  
  
Brain sat down at the table and grinned. "Yeah. Sue...I mean, there was this alien, and it was going to blow up the Earth, but I pushed the self-destruct button, and saved the planet at the cost of my own life."  
  
"How noble," said Mrs. Powers as she placed a bowl of hot cereal in front of Brain.  
  
"I can't wait to tell my friends about my dream," said Brain as he sprinkled some brown sugar over his cereal. "It was really cool. I think I was a girl for part of it."  
  
"Sounds interesting," said his mother. "Write it down before you forget it."  
  
----  
  
That evening, Brain and Muffy were once again examining the African knick-knacks in Sue Ellen's private collection.  
  
"I did some thinking," said Sue Ellen as she dusted one of her shelves. "That statue that you were handling last night? The one with the curse?"  
  
"What about it?" said Brain as he handed the figurine he was holding to Muffy.  
  
"It doesn't switch your bodies. It just gives you weird dreams."  
  
"Oh, really?" said Muffy.  
  
"Yeah. I think it works, too. I moved it after you put it down, and then last night I had a really crazy dream. I dreamed I was a space alien and I tried to destroy the Earth."  
  
"Hmm," Brain pondered.  
  
"That figure you just handed to Muffy...that's the one with the body-switching curse."  
  
Muffy suddenly dropped the figure she was holding. It hit the floor and shattered into several pieces.  
  
"Oh, clumsy me," she said apologetically. "Better call the maid."  
  
(The End.) 


End file.
